The first year after his death

They’re driving his car, using his things. We’re visiting his home talking about him like hes still alive.

Guilt

Thats guilt isnt, for contaminating her? You didnt want to drag her into your world. You considered her a pure soul and you tried like hell to keep her that way.

– Dr. Cal Lightman

Lonely

So lately ive been rather shitty.. I dont know, but it feels like im misding somebody. I dont know who though. I feel so extremely alone, yet i dont want anyone around… I just dont know..

Its bad…

Its getting bad again. Fuck short sleeves, fuck bikinis and shorts. This is the summer of covering up.

Suicide was on my mind again

I’m kind off mad at myself for being down again.. I’ve been doing fine for so long and now its just too much..

Suicide keeps hitting my thoughts. It’s not the planning or wanting to die to end the pain. More of a break. Summervacation from life.. Sounds pretty nice right now. Imma hit the grib and see if it helps with some sleep

What goes around comes back around

At 2 am the thoughts still come lurking around. I swear i just want to be fine… Please just let me be happy, healthy and normal… I dont want to be depressed and lonely

Gym and lonely

So i still spend most of my days at the gym, and those i dont i workout at home. And to be honest i LOOOOVE it.

But i just realised how fucking lonely i am. I want someone to cuddle up with when i come home, to give cute little kisses and just fucking chilling… Oh well. Ill be alright!
Fitness first.

Workout!

So much for keeping you guys updated ha, lol….

So! Lately ive started working out again. For real, healthy and for long term reasons. I enjoy it, and im not doing it to get skinny. But simply because i want my health improved, how i feel about my body and i want to get fit. Ive always been quite skinny and tiny. But now i want to loose the helpless little girl image and get fit. Ive been there loads of times before, but now im in for the long term.
So now you guys know where i spend most of my days when im not at work or school 🙂
But! I want to know about what you guys fill your days with, if youve changed in anyways the last year. Im sure you have if you look!

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Update

I just realised i havent been here for 3 months, and even before that i havent told you alot about whats actually going on.

Im better. Let me just say that. I still struggle, but im better. ALOT better. Just by having a brief look at my pervious posts I can honestly say that I am actually PROUD by how far ive gotten. Socializing isnt taking more energy than it gives, i eat healthy, i enjoy being alive (atleast at times), i find joy in working out and ive started to catch up with old hobbies. 

Ive been at a new school for 10 months or so now, i feel like i actually get accepted there. I dare to wear short sleeves, even though anxiety kicks in at times. AND (probably what’s making me most proud) i am 2 months of self harm now. I still see a psyciatrist, but im off my meds for now. Simply because i choose to, I didn’t feel like myself when i was on them. And i still struggle abit with feeling like myself (my identity has been depressed, lonely girl for 4 years, so ok, not so lonely girl might take a while getting used too). but its sertainly abit better now.

I’ve gotten some amazing friends who back me up, and at those nights where the light is gone and i can’t see the solution to anything besides suicide, thats when they are there for me. Don’t get me wrong, i appriciate everything my old friends have done for me, but being its different when you dont have to be afraid of talking because youre afraid of them having a shitty day too.

 

SO: all in all im getting better, but ill get better at typing here more often. 

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Dearest grandpa

I know you hate grandpa, so imma call you besse as you like. I will never forget what you thought me. How you learned me to respect, love and care for people around me. How you made me talk about the good in my brothers, even when i disliked then. How you thought me to put othera before. Because thats what you always did.

You never put yourself first. And i suppose that isnt good in every way, but believe me; it ment the world to us. Your smile would shine up the darkest night and make us all feel so good.

Rip besse. Your light and love will be forever missed.